the letter, resolved

i received the letter on a saturday.

the saturday before memorial day.

i would've called, but i knew the office would be closed over the long weekend.

so i set the letter aside.

somewhere it wouldn't stare at me like the menacing look of a headmistress.

i kept busy.

each time my mind would wander into the unknown, i forced it to detour to a more peaceful place.

sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't.

i wish i could train myself better, my thoughts like a restless puppy in need of discipline.

when tuesday rolled around, i was prepared to make the call. i was hoping they could squeeze me in that day.

i was ready.

but no appointments were available until thursday afternoon.

what could i do? it was out of my control.

so i agreed. i would be back on thursday. two more days of hiding the letter.

this worked until wednesday night. i'm not exactly sure why my vulnerability appeared like an unwanted guest:

what if they were right?

what if it was true?

what if this was "it"?

i slept restlessly.

it was 2 pm on thursday. and i took a deep breath as i put my dressing gown on.

the required tests took no time. and i sat in a sterile hallway. nurses walked by with sympathetic smiles.

i didn't like the sympathetic smiles. they reminded me of why i was here, sitting in this chair.

it only took ten minutes. no more waiting.

i had my answer.

i stifled tears and searched for my composure.

they were wrong.

there would be no more letters. no more follow-up tests. no more doctors.

no more worrying. no more unknown.

the letter, was resolved.