She was only three years old.
We were sitting in the doctor's office. She was on my lap as I read her a book. The Velveteen Rabbit. One of her favorites.
We came in that morning because she had slept restlessly with a fever. It was rising. She was quiet and lackluster but still engaged in her book.
And then I noticed her head was still. I had asked her a question about the rabbit.
No answer.
I looked down at her arms which had fallen by her side. Her hands were clenched in fists. Her head was now making little, fast bobs right and left. When I turned her around her whole body was limp.
Her face was what scared me the most. Her eyes looked like empty pools of glass. No expression whatsoever. Her teeth were locked together. She didn't respond when I spoke to her.
I felt like I was losing her.
I jumped from the chair, her body weighing twice its usual weight as she hung down lifelessly.
"I need a doctor" I shouted frantically down the hallway.
The nurse took one look at us and bolted to find the doctor as though she was a track star being chased to the finish line.
I had tears in my eyes. Everything was happening so fast. And no one seemed to know what was going on. Her fever had jumped from 101 to 105 degrees. They needed to get it down-and fast.
I was afraid. Really afraid.
They iced her body and gave her a double dose of Motrin. Her temperature dropped back down to 101. She was stable.
And I was shaken.
They diagnosed it as a febrile seizure. It usually happens in children between the ages of 3-5 years-old. It occurs when a child's temperature spikes too high, too fast.
Fear - an emotion none of us likes to experience. Yet no one can escape it.
It shapes and molds us. It makes us stronger. It makes us resilient.
Without fear we would not be the person we are today.
Friday, June 20, 2008
It Wasn't Her Time To Go
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14 comments:
I felt as though I was in the corridor with you and fear was grabbing my throat...fear does suffocate...so grateful she is with us!!!!
There is nothing worse than that fear of a very sick child. Your words made my stomach clench and my throat go dry at the thought. You are right though-fear does play a big part in molding us into who we are today. I love how you an put emotions into words.
That was scary to read. Glad she is still here.
Wow, you write well. That must have been quite an experience! You took me through all the emotions, and I was afraid for the ending. I'm so glad she made it.
By the end of your post I had tears in my eyes. At 12 months old my son had suffered a brain injury. I received a phone call at work telling me about the accident. When I arrived at the hosiptal my son looked exactly like that of your description all the way down to the blank lifeless eyes. He made it through the ordeal and as you said, life's lessons and experiences make us stronger and more resilient. If only there were easier ways to learn. My heart and mind are with you my dear friend.
Immediacy, it's the key to writing a passage like the one offered up, isn't it? I think being presented with the sudden loss of a child is a terrifying thing, and something that we can't prepare for. Gratefully, the idea of loss became real, but the reality of loss didn't become necessary in this case. Thank you for sharing.
My son used to get febrile seizures from age 3-7 and then they tapered off. They are terrifying, and your post brought back the memory of his first one. You are right. We would not hold on so tight and cherish our loved ones so much if we did not also have the fear of loss.
Fear is one weakness and negative characteristics which also provide us with some courage and good lessons when the fear goes away.
It's not a time for her to go so early. May god always bless her. I will pray for her.
Having dealt with both a critically ill child, and having been one (I have thrice spiked above 105 degrees in temperature, twice while still a child) I understand that clutching fear.
Fear in the right context is a powerful driver, and helps us remember what is important.
That was a difficult and frightening read. I couldn't stop thinking about my little girl. I'm glad it all turned out well.
Your blog is once again, one of the few that I find content I can completely relate to.
My daughter had febrile seizures on two separate occasions due to high fevers. On both occasions the experience was almost identical to your portrayal.
For me there was also the added emotion of helplessness as a father. The one whose little girl grabbed onto, loved more than anything.
And there I was completely helpless to stop what was ravaging her and abusing her little body on the inside out.
Thank God she made it through both times with no further illnesses as a result.
Oftentimes I think of fear as a negative, but you instinctively handled this fear to spur the action that saved a life. Certainly there can be no better use for any emotion. Thanks for sharing this incredible experience.
Thank goodness she is ok. Much love and health to her and peace to you...
fear of losing a chiold is simply the worst. there's something about the innocence of youth. thanks for sharing similar experiences and for passing on sincere thoughts of caring.
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